Unconditional Love is UnRealistic

There used to be a time that whenever I heard the term unconditional love I would romanticize it and think “Wow… he said he loves her unconditionally… That must feel  amazing.”  That was the much younger and naïve version of me, that really didn’t think about the implications of that statement.

Honestly, I find it very hard to love someone unconditionally.  If we are to set standards for ourselves and hold ourselves accountable to those standards as well as our partners, how can anything be unconditional?  There have to be conditions, otherwise you will fall for everything that is served up to you.  Our partners are a clear reflection of how we see and feel about ourselves.

In my twenties, I took pride in the fact that I loved first and asked questions later. Gave love freely no matter what.  I claimed to be an unconditional lover; loving infinitely, beyond measure.  I was being reckless and naïve. That had more to do with low-self esteem rather than unconditional love. A lot of people fail to make that differentiation.

Are you claiming to love unconditionally OR are you just loving the idea of love?

I’m certainly not trying to take the romance out of love nor am I purposely trying to be a cynic. But let’s face it, in this day and age love and relationships have become very risky.  I find nothing wrong with setting standards and a threshold for bullshit.  I find nothing wrong with stating at the very beginning of the relationship “I expect this, that and the third and if those things are not met or if I get to a point that I realize that you’ve misrepresented yourself to me, I’m going to have to end our relationship.”

Standards vary from woman to woman and even vary from culture to culture.  For me, there are basic standards.  I expect my man to treat me and my daughter right. I expect for him NOT to physically and emotionally abuse me.  I expect him to be faithful to me.  I expect for him to be gainfully employed.  I expect for him to have some moral fibers running through him and I expect him to take his health and wellness seriously.  Again, these are basic.  Keeping in mind that I wouldn’t put expectations on someone that I wouldn’t be able to live up to myself. 

I know that there are some people that feel that they do love their mates unconditionally regardless of what I’m saying in this post, which is commendable.   Then that means you will love them through the good, obviously, and the bad; and I’m not talking about them losing a job or some financial hardship, I’m talking about the REAL bad. Will you love them even if they started to treat you poorly? If they cheated? If they committed a crime and got sent to prison, would you still be there loving them?  Having no conditions puts you in danger of facing those very things or worse.

In my opinion, there is no such thing as unconditional love. Love is earned.  How?  By meeting the conditions of your partner.  And even after 10, 20 years together those conditions should still hold true.  Unconditional love is reserved for your children.