Good Bye 2011

The year 2011 is coming to an end in a few weeks.  So many amazing things happened this year. The biggest thing for me was graduating college.  At the same time, there were so many other goals I had on my mental list, that I didn't even come close to accomplishing. They'll just have to carry over into 2012!

I wanted to take a much overdue vacation, self-publish my novel, save money and I could go on and on.  As frustrated as I am that I was not able to meet much of my 2011 goals, I know that they will come, maybe in 2012 or even in 2013. 

I realized that even though I set goals for myself, they are not always going to happen in the time frame that I set. As cliche as this sounds, God controls our plans. We may make the plans and take careful steps to carry them out but those plans are always tweeked a bit by God; things never go exactly as you plan because He holds the main plan.

2012 will be my year of major change.  I am declaring it now and will commit myself to take conscious steps towards that change and watch God's plan for me unfold.

Choices...

Everyone, at some point in their adult life reflects on how their lives came to be the way they are. We never pictured ourselves to be unemployed, broke, divorced, relationship challenged, without children or whatever the case may be.

When you’re 16 years old, the common thought of the future is going to college, having fun with friends, graduating, obtaining your dream job, getting married, having a few kids and living happily ever after.

I went to high school with a guy that had everything going for himself. He had excellent grades and a full football scholarship to one of the best African American colleges in the nation. He wasn’t the best looking guy, but he definitely had his head on straight and probably would’ve made some lucky woman very happy one day.

He had been dating a young woman about three years older than him. She already had her own apartment. (Mind you- we’re 17 year old seniors in high school, so she’s 20 years old with 2 kids!), which automatically told me she had a different upbringing than he did and a lot more life experience.  He had been seeing her for about 6 months and approximately one month before we all were supposed to depart for our respective colleges he was brutally killed by his girlfriend’s baby father!  

The story was that he was totally blind sided by the fact that this woman had a boyfriend who has in jail. All that knew him knew that if he knew about the boyfriend in jail, he wouldn’t have started a relationship with her. And she didn’t even have the decency to share this information with him either. He was caught at her apartment at the wrong time; her boyfriend went into a jealous rage and stabbed him numerous times, killing him. I’m sure he felt he was doing nothing wrong at the time by dating this woman… in his mind he was there simply spending time with his girlfriend… her baby father saw it differently and the rest is tragic history.

Everyone in this situation had choices. My high school friend didn’t have to date this woman with 2 kids and an angry baby daddy and stuck to girls his own age and caliber. He made the choice to date her.

His girlfriend could’ve told him what he was getting involved with and given him an opportunity to make an educated decision on his involvement with her. She chose not tell him that she had a man in jail and he was coming out soon.

Her baby daddy didn’t have to kill him. He chose to take someone’s life because of his cheating girlfriend and go right back to the place that would keep him away from her and his kids.

The list of choices goes on. But someone made the wrong one… an unchanging choice. The repercussions are endless, not only for the family of the victim, but for the criminal and the woman and children involved. I wonder what ever happened to them. Did this event define their lives? Did they learn and grow or did they suppress and fester? Was his innocent life sacrificed for some greater good that the killer, woman or children would benefit from? We’ll never know.

To this day, the death of my friend pops up in my head every now and again, especially in the summer. Every summer, without fail there is a heart wrenching story about a promising college bound student who needlessly lost their life in some urban area in NYC.

No matter what kind of situation you find yourself in, choices are always present and the smallest choice can have the biggest repercussions.

Long Time No Blog....

New Blog posts coming soon......

Book Review: The Kid, by Sapphire

I recently finished reading The Kid by Sapphire, which is the continuation to PUSH.  The Kid picks up about nine years later.  Precious is raising her son Abdul, Mongo her daughter seems to have died? Not sure, that was never clarified.

Precious’ HIV got the best of her, leaving Abdul orphaned and thrusted into the foster care system.  The nine years that Precious did have with her son, she showered him with love and affection that she never received. She did an awesome job about teaching him life lessons, the importance of education and self reliance and she provided a strong foundation which made him very ambitious and goal oriented. At first, I was having difficulty understanding Abdul’s speech, but after a while, I got used to his ebonics.  Thankfully, his speech improved as her got older.

This book is chock full of messages surrounding social issues, psychological issues and identity issues.  The social services system for children in NYC is extremely flawed and we get a first hand depiction of how this flawed system can impact and destroy an innocent child’s life.  As a jaded and sheltered nine year old he got caught up in a cycle of abuse. Abdul was neglected and abused in a foster home, hospitalized for being brutally beaten by another child, and he lost his identity.  He then was placed in a catholic boarding school for boys where he was again abused. Abuse became such a major part of his life that he came to think it was normal; he then became an abuser, not taking responsibility for his actions. 

After being kicked out of the catholic school, he was placed in his great grandmother’s care. By then Abdul, was already old enough to make his own moves and come and go as he pleased. Not embracing life with his great grandmother, he eventually left and found himself homeless and navigating through the streets of life trying to follow his dreams of professional dancing.

At times, the book did get confusing, because Abdul was a daydreamer. It was hard to tell what was really happening and what was a dream.

Basically, I did like the story that Sapphire told about Abdul, but I wasn’t expecting it at all. After reading Push and watching the movie Precious, I didn’t think that life would get any worse for them, but The Kid continued the legacy of sorrow in a way I never would have imagined.

I wasn’t pleased with the ending at all. I would’ve liked to see Abdul get to the peaceful place he’d been longing for. Sapphire did leave the story open for that to eventually happen, but it’s not known whether or not she will continue a third installment. If she does, I would certainly read it, not because I enjoy reading about other people’s sorrows, but because I’m completely invested now.  I have to know how this young man’s story ends!

Unconditional Love is UnRealistic

There used to be a time that whenever I heard the term unconditional love I would romanticize it and think “Wow… he said he loves her unconditionally… That must feel  amazing.”  That was the much younger and naïve version of me, that really didn’t think about the implications of that statement.

Honestly, I find it very hard to love someone unconditionally.  If we are to set standards for ourselves and hold ourselves accountable to those standards as well as our partners, how can anything be unconditional?  There have to be conditions, otherwise you will fall for everything that is served up to you.  Our partners are a clear reflection of how we see and feel about ourselves.

In my twenties, I took pride in the fact that I loved first and asked questions later. Gave love freely no matter what.  I claimed to be an unconditional lover; loving infinitely, beyond measure.  I was being reckless and naïve. That had more to do with low-self esteem rather than unconditional love. A lot of people fail to make that differentiation.

Are you claiming to love unconditionally OR are you just loving the idea of love?

I’m certainly not trying to take the romance out of love nor am I purposely trying to be a cynic. But let’s face it, in this day and age love and relationships have become very risky.  I find nothing wrong with setting standards and a threshold for bullshit.  I find nothing wrong with stating at the very beginning of the relationship “I expect this, that and the third and if those things are not met or if I get to a point that I realize that you’ve misrepresented yourself to me, I’m going to have to end our relationship.”

Standards vary from woman to woman and even vary from culture to culture.  For me, there are basic standards.  I expect my man to treat me and my daughter right. I expect for him NOT to physically and emotionally abuse me.  I expect him to be faithful to me.  I expect for him to be gainfully employed.  I expect for him to have some moral fibers running through him and I expect him to take his health and wellness seriously.  Again, these are basic.  Keeping in mind that I wouldn’t put expectations on someone that I wouldn’t be able to live up to myself. 

I know that there are some people that feel that they do love their mates unconditionally regardless of what I’m saying in this post, which is commendable.   Then that means you will love them through the good, obviously, and the bad; and I’m not talking about them losing a job or some financial hardship, I’m talking about the REAL bad. Will you love them even if they started to treat you poorly? If they cheated? If they committed a crime and got sent to prison, would you still be there loving them?  Having no conditions puts you in danger of facing those very things or worse.

In my opinion, there is no such thing as unconditional love. Love is earned.  How?  By meeting the conditions of your partner.  And even after 10, 20 years together those conditions should still hold true.  Unconditional love is reserved for your children.

Interracial Dating... used to correct the dating imbalance?

Yesterday, on my lunch hour, I walked by the Hudson News store and decided to go in and see what September issues were interesting.  The Essence magazine caught my eye, one reason because my ultimate hair crush, Tracee Ellis Ross is on the cover, but also one of the cover lines really made my cringe!  It said, "Is Marriage Just For White People"; the shock value of that line alone was enough for me to grab that mag off of the shelf and stomp over to the counter and pay for it.  In my head, I'm thinking... Is marriage just for white people? Umph... I gotta see what this article is all about... assholes. LOL!

As it turns out, Is Marriage Just For White People is the title of a book written by Stanford Law School Professor Ralph Richard Banks. Yes, he's a black man, and as I read the article, I couldn't stop thinking about the title. Why would someone pick that title for their book?  Of course marriage isn't just for white people!  I was pissed. 

According to Banks' book, the most unmarried people are african americans and the numbers of unmarried african americans are rising amongst the middle and upper classes. College educated black women are more than likely not to marry than white women. In the case of men, white men are marrying twice as much as african american men as well.  So that's where the book title comes from? Fine. But me being the hopeless romantic and believer in love and marriage, I still don't agree with that title. There is still hope for lasting marriage in the black community.

One of the main points of Banks' book states that black women need to date outside of their race instead of limiting themselves to just black men.  Why? Because we are in short supply of successful black men and the black men who are deemed successful  know that they are a hot commodity and use that fact as leverage to dictate the terms of relationships, which usually entail sex with no commitment. Forcing black women to basically fight for these "successful" black men and accept their bad behavior.  Banks feels that if more black women date outside the race, this will force the successful black men to come correct and commit to black women.  Really? I don't think so.

In my opinion there are alot of holes in that theory.  First, whats considered to be successful varies from woman to woman. Second, the successful black man that Banks is talking about is not only dating black women, he's dating latinas, asians, whites; he doesn't limit himself. So, why would he even be moved to come correct and commit just because black women are dating outside the race? He could care less, he'll just wife up a white woman when he's ready to commit.  A successful black man doesn't always mean making a six figure salary, driving a nice car and living in a nice home. There are plenty of successful black men out there who are educated via college or trade school, working good jobs, providing, protecting and being faithful to their families. That, in my eyes, is successful too, considering all the obstacles they go through on a daily basis.

There are so many branches to this topic; I can truly go on and on but I just wanted to address that article and see if anyone else has read it.  I don't find anything wrong with black women dating outside the race, but I really don't think that will help the imbalance in relationships between black men and women.

How do you feel about Banks' theory?

Passing the Baton

Do you notice that your life and your friends’ lives are running parallel?  You break up with your boyfriend and then one month later your best friend is breaking up with her boyfriend.  Okay, sometimes it may not be so cut and dry or the ripple effect may not be so quick, but it seems that people in the same social circles seem to have similar journeys, but just at different times.  

It puts me in mind of a relay race and passing the baton.  The baton represents the journey that’s being passed on from friend to friend at different points in the race.

When I went through a time in my life where I started to put myself first and started doing things for me and my betterment, it was a time of real enlightment for me.  My self-esteem improved and I re-gained all the self-worth that I lost. So when my girlfriend went through a similar period, I was easily able to relate and help her. I was sorry that she even had to go through such personal turmoil, but at the same time it felt good to be able to be there for my dear friend and see her come into her own and finally do something for herself.

Passing the baton is not such a bad thing. At first, it may seem like we’re passing on trials and tribulations, but in actuality we’re passing on priceless experiences and knowledge that will go on and on.

Introduction - What you got to say?

I started this blog because I want to be able to share my thoughts, insights and my all around musings with the rest of the world.  There is no structure, rhyme or reason. I will be posting writing pieces, opinion articles, photos and anything that is relevant and appropriate to share.

Your comments are welcomed and appreciated.

I hope you enjoy.

Martine